Last week, I officiated another funeral. As I stood before family and friends gathered to remember their loved one, it was a painful reminder that death is a part of our world. No words can take away their sense of loss. As you spend time with families at the hospital, in their living rooms, at the funeral home, or beside the grave, you feel their pain and wish you could take it away. But you can’t.
I once believed the actual funeral service was when the family needed you most. But now, I realize the actual service is only one part of the bigger opportunity every pastor has to shepherd families through grief. Over the past two decades of officiating funerals, I feel like I have learned a lot about caring for families before, during, and after the loss of a loved one.
Below are 3 practical ways pastors can care for families throughout the loss of a loved one.
Honor Their Loved One
I remember the first time I led a funeral by myself. I had pastoral ministry classes that taught me how to put together an order of service and even how to write a funeral sermon. I had read books and articles on leading funerals. I had also been to other funerals and paid attention to what other pastors did. So what did I do? I went to work putting together a service that had prayer, music, Scripture, and a hope-filled sermon. To the best of my knowledge, I had checked all the boxes.
About six months later I was attending a funeral, and as I listened to the pastor share the eulogy and message, it dawned on me what my funerals were lacking: personality. This pastor knew the person they were laying to rest. This pastor made me feel like I knew them too. He shared personal stories that made family and friends cry, laugh, and nod their heads. He shared facts and truths about their loved one that people connected with. It was personal and beautiful.
I realized that as I went about praying biblical prayers, sharing relevant Scripture, and preaching a hope-filled message (all of which are good and needed), I was somehow forgetting about the actual person we were remembering. Sure, I mentioned their name and said true things about them, but it wasn’t personable because I had not done the hard work of really trying to understand them. I was missing out on a clear and special way of loving the family during their time of loss.
Standing at that funeral, I resolved to never make the same mistake again. I resolved, from that moment forward, to do everything in my power to be able to speak truthfully and intimately about the people we would gather together to honor, even if I did not know them well.
That’s where asking questions and listening comes in. As pastors, many of the funerals we do are for people in our family or from our church. And yet, there is often a lot we don’t know about the people we are remembering. So as we talk with the family over the phone or sit with them in their homes, have a notepad and pencil at the ready, ask good questions, and just listen. What did they love most about life? What were the most important things to them? What were their favorite Bible verses and hymns? Are there any funny stories that must be told? What were their favorites sayings/phrases? What was their life like growing up? What is the most important lesson you learned from them?
As you listen to family members talk, begin taking notes. The stories, jokes, sayings, and lessons you hear are like gold for putting together the service and writing your eulogy and message. One of the best ways to comfort and care for the family and friends during the service is to honor their loved one. It doesn’t mean you have to make them out to be someone they were not; in fact, most families don’t like that at all. You want to see them nodding their heads as the memories of their mother, daughter, sister, grandmother, best friend come flooding back. How can we do this? By learning as much as you can about them so that the person you are talking about is actually the person everyone is there to remember and honor.
Offer to Help
I remember the phone call like it was yesterday. A lady in my congregation passed away, and after about an hour-long conversation with her son about the service, he asked, “Philip, will you meet us at the funeral home tomorrow? I don’t know what I’m doing.” The truth is, I didn’t know what I was doing either, but I knew that I needed to go to help in any way possible.
That experience taught me a lot about working with families after a loved one passes away. They actually didn’t need me for much, and yet, I think they just liked knowing I was there. We worked together on the service, planned a family meal, gathered all the essential info for the funeral home, and wrote an obituary.
Offering to help the family plan and prepare is beneficial for a few reasons. First, if they are overwhelmed and struggling to process everything, your offer gives them a place to turn for help if needed. Second, the family needs to know that they don’t have to do it alone because you will be with them every step of the way.
There are many decisions that must be made quickly before and after a family loses a loved one. We have the opportunity to be a calming, gracious, and reassuring presence during an especially difficult moment. In your initial conversations with the family before or immediately after their loved one’s death, let them know you are able and willing to help them with anything they may need. Maybe they are like my friend and don’t know where to begin. Or maybe they have everything covered and just need your prayers. Either way, a simple gesture can go a long way in caring for a grieving family.
Spend Time with the Family
One of the most important ways you can care for a family before, during, and after the death of a loved one is giving them your time. It doesn’t have to be a lot of time; in fact, in my experience, there is typically a lot going on and a few minutes goes a long way. Sometimes this might mean going to the hospital as a loved one is dying so that you can pray with the entire family together. At other times, especially if a death is sudden or unexpected, it means reaching out to the family immediately to see if they would like for you to come by and spend time with them. If there is a family meal after the service and you are invited, it is always a sweet time of getting to know the family through the wonderful stories they tell about their loved one. It might only be fifteen to twenty minutes, but that small sacrifice of time may be exactly what the family needs from you.
Practically, spending time with the family comes down to intentionality. No two timelines are the same, meaning, there are no clear-cut rules that apply to every situation. I have done funerals for church members when I was able to meet with them and their families for weeks before they passed away. I have also led funerals for people who passed away unexpectedly and all I could do was reach out to a family member as soon as I found out. Regardless of the circumstances, whenever we are intentional in caring for the family, they will know we are only a phone call away. In all of the rush that often accompanies funerals, whenever you get the chance, just sit with the family, pray for them, even weep with them.
Unfortunately, death is a part of life. As pastors, shepherding families during death is a part of our ministry. Caring for families in grief is never easy. It’s often uncomfortable, heartbreaking, and exhausting. But as undershepherds of God’s people, being there for families is one of the most important ways we can care for them. There are lots of different ways we can care for families during times of loss, but honoring their loved one, offering to help, spending time with them goes a long way.
Many of us will learn through experience, school, or training how to write a good, hope-filled, gospel-centered funeral sermon. We will learn how to choose appropriate Scriptures filled with promises of resurrection and peace. But we need to remember that there are simple, practical ways of helping families when a loved one dies that are important too!
